Oh My GAD!

tourdatesforjonesy: do you ever just see your friends getting really close with other people and...

Sun, 19 May 2013 08:40:21 -0400

do you ever just see your friends getting really close with other people and you can just feel yourself slowly becoming less important to them and you get this really deep ache in your heart and everything just hurts

Yes. Yes I do.

But (in my anxiety-ridden head) it happens every single day. And it doesn’t feel slow, it feels like a very imminent threat. Nearly every time someone close to me talks about their other friends, or even communicating with our mutual friends, I feel a sting of jealousy and fear. If I’m having a bad week for anxiety, the sting is unbearable, and I will fixate on those feelings for hours. On good weeks, the sting is still there, but it’s manageable.

colormyskywithstars: happening way too often. i honestly can’t...

Sun, 05 May 2013 08:21:40 -0400

colormyskywithstars:

happening way too often. i honestly can’t handle the stress of school anymore- but i cant handle the real world either so fuck me am i right?

Check, check, check…

Here’s a problem I have. People close to me generally fall into two groups: the friends who I...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 19:09:31 -0400

Here’s a problem I have. People close to me generally fall into two groups: the friends who I assume probably dislike me, and the friends that I know like me. People I assume dislike me — I’m scared of calling them to hang out, when I do get up the courage, it’s a big fucking deal when they do (or, God forbid, DON’T) answer. It’s easy to find evidence that they hate me, because I’m always looking for it. However, people that I trust to like me — I call and text them often. I go to them with my problems. I let them know every time I think someone might hate me. I do all of these needy, unhealthy things that I know are annoying and will push them away. So I’m pushing away the friends I do trust and not letting in the one’s I’m insecure around.

Not healthy. I need to work on that.

It’s been a crazy few weeks for me. Meaning I’ve been particularly messed up emotionally and mentally. I assume it’s related to the bombings and that school ending is a transition (my anxiety always skyrockets during transitions). I’m really exhausted of being this anxious and depressed constantly, I hope my brain chemicals figure themselves out soon. In the meantime, I sincerely apologize if I act bizarrely.

Thoughts on BPD I don’t have Borderline Personality...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 17:37:00 -0400

Thoughts on BPD

I don’t have Borderline Personality Disorder, according to two psychiatric professionals and the DSM-IV criteria.

However, I find it interesting (and a relief) how specifically and perfectly some of BPD’s symptoms match mine. There is a huge part of Borderline (the disordered thinking about other people) that matches me exactly and isn’t mentioned in other disorders I’ve read about. But I don’t exhibit enough of the other symptoms for a diagnosis. It just makes me wish there was a specific label for what I go through — that part of BPD that is the terror of abandonment, the rapidly changing extreme opinions of other people, the rage when others don’t live up to your outrageous expectations — so I could say one word rather than describing every symptom over and over again.

I say “anxiety and depression,” and that’s certainly the core issue- but feeling full-blown hatred and rage at your friends when they’ve literally done NOTHING (only to come down from it crying and hating yourself an hour later) is a different issue.

Rough Morning

Sat, 20 Apr 2013 10:40:18 -0400

Very much woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Plagued by anxious and depressing thoughts. Don’t wanna get out of bed. I want people to come over and lie in bed with me and remind me that I’m not a bad person, that I’m important to them, that their lives are better for having me in it. Because my brain is super into convincing me of the opposite right now.

I had a problematic, stressful dream last night that I know I’m going to think about all day. Any I will tell myself “It’s just a dream, you don’t have to beat yourself up because dreams don’t mean anything” and anyone I tell will say the same thing and it’s true. But, as per usual, logic is weak against my anxiety.

Photo

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:32:57 -0400

ucanplayme: if you’re my friend then im probably scared that you actually hate me Real.

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 10:57:36 -0400

ucanplayme:

if you’re my friend then im probably scared that you actually hate me

Real.

Wellbutrin and Other Things

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 20:51:51 -0400

I decided about a month ago to go off the Wellbutrin. I have noticed a slight increase in depression, but that could just be a reaction to the dreary weather and the stress of the middle of the semester. My libido is also dead.

I originally went on the Wellbutrin because I was a little depressed, but mostly to help the libido problems. After being on it for a long while, I felt like it was making me sick, and making no difference to my libido. Now that I’m off, I don’t feel sick anymore, but I my sex drive is now lower than ever before.

Having no libido is a real strain on my relationship. My boyfriend is wonderful and never pressures me to do anything, but it’s really hard to have to deny him again and again and again because not only am I “not in the mood,” I physically cannot enjoy it. I know he understands, but I know it also sucks for him and it makes me feel like a horrible partner.

—-

In other news, I’m in the middle of one of my classic friend-related depression episodes. I know (intellectually) I’m overreacting to “proof that no one wants me around” (aka, tiny things that don’t matter), but knowing it doesn’t make it less real for me.

I’m working hard on what my therapist and I talked about, but it’s fucking hard to retrain my brain. And I’m failing at it and all I want is for people to hold me and tell me they love me and tell me over and over and over again until I believe it- but that’s unhealthy, and in the long run, it won’t help me.

TLDR: Anxiety sucks and I hate it.

Epiphanies

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 11:01:05 -0400

My therapist is a rock star. We had such a good, informative session today, and she helped me realize a lot of things about myself and my disordered thinking. It’s always nice when I come out of therapy feeling like I’ve made actual progress.

1) There is a piece of me that is scared of getting better. For reasons including the way I identify, the way I understand how to interact with people, and the way I gather evidence of having friends.

2) It is a FACT that loss happens and friendships change and disintegrate. But, rather than acknowledge that as fact, I feel like I can keep it from happening by making sure I’m not gross or annoying or a bitch. But that’s too much pressure and it’s unrealistic. I have a script in my head that tells me I’m annoying/gross/a bitch, but I don’t believe it about myself. I think it because I feel like I have to constantly convince other people that I am not those things.

3) I am far more scared of someone not wanting to hang out with me than just not hanging out with me. Actually seeing people matters very little compared to their desire to see me.

4) I make fun of my rational thinking, as though it’s an unreachable part of me. I say things like, “Everyone’s busy because they hate me, not because they have lives or anything, haha…” and it blocks me from allowing myself to grow. The message I send to myself and others is, “Wouldn’t it be ridiculous if I could think rationally? What a joke.” And this distances me from the reality of getting better.

*deep breath* I’ve got a lot of work to do.

elephantamour: fuckyeahdementia: yep Gimme.

Wed, 20 Feb 2013 17:49:43 -0500

elephantamour:

fuckyeahdementia:

yep

Gimme.

Trying to keep my spirits up on this fine Valentine’s Day. I love this holiday with all my...

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 17:50:09 -0500

Trying to keep my spirits up on this fine Valentine’s Day. I love this holiday with all my heart.

But my friend anxiety decided to pop up today, so I can’t enjoy the holiday fully. I’ve always taken this time to tell everyone person I love HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM. And I adore that activity. But this year, I have to force myself. Because I’m so afraid no one likes me.

(It doesn’t help that one friend isn’t speaking to me, for some reason unbeknownst to me. I’m really trying my best not to think about it and let them work through what they need to. But it’s hard. It’s hard not to let that one piece of “proof” that I’m unlovable ruin my entire Valentine’s Day.)

rubberbaby-buggybumpers: Goddess of Depression

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 10:29:15 -0500

rubberbaby-buggybumpers:

Goddess of Depression

whoa.

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 22:59:23 -0500

anxiety-disorderr:

health anxiety! calm down! i need to breathe. i’m perfectly healthy. there’s nothing wrong with me. i’m over analyzing something completely normal. my mom would be worried and taking me to a doctor if something was wrong with me. i am young, i don’t smoke or anything, there’s nothing to worry about here. i’m perfectly fine. stop over analyzing. go read a book.

(these are things i tell myself when this happens, so if it helps, you should try and tell yourself the same things!)

allwasg0ldeninthesky: miss-grace: Are you ever just overwhelmed by the horrifying thought that...

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 09:11:35 -0500

allwasg0ldeninthesky:

miss-grace:

Are you ever just overwhelmed by the horrifying thought that maybe, nobody ACTUALLY wants you around? And it’s not that you think everyone hates you, but it’s just that you’re not special to anyone? And that its really kind of sucky that you’re about 98% sure that nobody thinks “Wow, I just really like talking to her.” and that you could probably just disappear without anyone caring that much?

No I do not know what this is like.

SO. FUCKING. LONELY.

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 22:26:03 -0500

I FEEL LIKE A CRAZY PERSON

FUCK THIS FUCKING BRAIN

I’M SICK OF BEING SAD AND CRYING AND FUCK EVERYTHING

Lying in bed. Attempting to cocoon myself from icky feelings.

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 19:38:53 -0500

I wish other people didn’t affect me so. I wish YOU didn’t affect me so much. It makes me angry. Your existence (and disdain for my existence) should not get to wreak the havoc it does on my mental stability.

I should not care what you think I should not care what you think I should not care what you think.

I don’t dislike you. Not even a little bit. I hate myself for measuring my worth based on whether or not you are speaking to me.

(time to start therapy again)

Photo

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 01:48:59 -0500

Haha….

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 17:27:46 -0500

Haha….

The Weird Thing About Anxiety is...

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 23:09:58 -0500

that sometimes, I’m fine. TOTALLY fine. Right now, I’m lying in bed, calm and content. I’m Tumbling and watching Netflix alone and I’m ok with it.

And this person that I am right now is the real me. And these feelings are real and I’m comfortable with them.

But I look at my older posts, and that person is real, too. (I realize this is unbelievably cliché and not poetic or deep, BUT it’s really weird.)

It’s sort of like looking back at people you had crushes on when you were younger, and being like “How the hell did I spend time pining over that person? They’re horrid/uninteresting/toxic/etc.” I look at my posts, and I remember all of those feelings so clearly, but they seem so trivial and stupid now. Like, I must not have been that depressed since I’m fine now. And I don’t really believe everyone hates me.

But I do. I absolutely do. Just not all the time.

TLDR: Right now I’m good and that’s good.

A few minutes ago, I looked in a full body mirror and felt ok about my shape. I was wearing a cami...

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 22:55:56 -0500

A few minutes ago, I looked in a full body mirror and felt ok about my shape.

I was wearing a cami and no spandex or body shapers or anything.

Also my anxiety has calmed down a lot since a few hours ago :)